Times like this I remember the Japanese Proverb Fall down seven times Stand up eight.
Well I feel off the cliff into the ocean of depression and dispair once again... I need to work on coming back out of the darkness and into the light. Sometimes the darkness is so strong and deep that I am not sure I will ever find the light, but I know I need to. I know I have to find a way to keep going if not for myself than for my family. But that is the thing... I really need to find a reason to keep going for me, something inside of me. I need to find some inner peace within myself or I will never find it without myself. Time for some soul searching... Time for some introspection and figuring out who I am, where I want to be, and what brings me happiness.
This time when I stand back up, I need to do it for reasons within myself.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am grateful for.....
I thought today I would start a grateful journal and incorporate into this journal. My goal is to write at least 3 things I am grateful for that day.
Today I am grateful for
1. A vehicle to get us around town
2. My children even at their worst they give me a reason to keep going.
3. A washer and dryer so I can do laundry while doing other house work.
Today I am grateful for
1. A vehicle to get us around town
2. My children even at their worst they give me a reason to keep going.
3. A washer and dryer so I can do laundry while doing other house work.
Mid July Redirecting myself
Haven't been very successful with hitting any of my goals. If I am to be honest with myself, I think I have developed an apathy towards life with my depression. I just can't seem to really care or see where I make a diffrence anymore. I figure the first step is to change this thought process as it is not productive to me or my family.
So I have to ask myself... What do I need to do to feel good about myself right now? Well I am currently considered a stay at home mom and house wife. So what does this title mean? I should be keeping the house clean, the laundry caught up, the bills managed, making and sticking to a budget, taking care of the kids, getting family where they need to be and picked up and healthy meals provided at meal time. Am I doing this? Not really... no wonder I feel so fricken useless I have no direction, no purpose is being fulfilled. I am just breathing and taking up space. This needs to change. So the rest of July my primary focus will be to bring the house back to order and get it cleaned up. Today generally cleaning and then deeper cleaning from there.
I think having a clean environment will also help me to just feel better overall and take some pride in myself that I have a clean home.
So I have to ask myself... What do I need to do to feel good about myself right now? Well I am currently considered a stay at home mom and house wife. So what does this title mean? I should be keeping the house clean, the laundry caught up, the bills managed, making and sticking to a budget, taking care of the kids, getting family where they need to be and picked up and healthy meals provided at meal time. Am I doing this? Not really... no wonder I feel so fricken useless I have no direction, no purpose is being fulfilled. I am just breathing and taking up space. This needs to change. So the rest of July my primary focus will be to bring the house back to order and get it cleaned up. Today generally cleaning and then deeper cleaning from there.
I think having a clean environment will also help me to just feel better overall and take some pride in myself that I have a clean home.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Changes are a happening
Wow June as brought a whole lot of changes and emotions with it. I hope July is more stable. My oldest graduated high school and moved out. This in and of itself has been very emotional for me. My significant other has steady lost hours at work due to company wide hours cuts. This has hurt the budget and my ability to keep a positive outllook. I am still trying though. I keep believeing it will work out somehow. I have to believe this.. We are switching bedrooms around and splitting up my two youngest into their own bedroom. This has been and still is a major undertaking. I can't wait till it is all done. I am also taking this opportunity to declutter and get rid of things the boys no longer need or play with. It is prolonging the process somewhat but is needed as they have way too much stuff. I haven't made much progress with most of my June goals but with everything happening I am just trying to focus on one breath at a time as things seem to be whirling very fast around me. I feel like I am on a spinning ride that has gone out of control and is going to throw me off if I don't hold on very very tightly.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
June Goals
Another Month has come and gone. I took the Burns Depression Checklist today and sitting at about 78/100 in the extreme depression range. A big part of me is just tired. Tired of being here, tired of trying, struggling, hurting, and breathing. But then there is this little voice that keeps screaming out to keep fighting and find a way back up the mountain to the top. May was a disaster for goals. I ended up not really getting anywhere near what I wanted to accomplish. I just lost the motivation to keep trying. I also feel so darned exhausted and tired. I did keep up on my work until my nephew got hurt which gave me a sense of accomplishment. I enjoy my work a lot and am looking forward to jumping back into work tomorrow.
Steps I have taken to try and stand back up after falling once again... I reworked my control journal and going to jump back into the fly lady system and combine her program with my de-clutter book and find my house amongst all the stuff that I really don't need. So my house cleaning goal is to keep up on the daily cleaning while de-cluttering at least 30 minutes a day. This week is Zone 2, the Kitchen and Laundry room so I will be de-cluttering the those rooms this week.
I started back into Sparkpeople as well. I weighed myself yesterday and logged my weight. I actually lost 11 pounds so far. :) that made my day. My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week. so next Sunday I will weigh 237. My personal health goals are Go to bed no later than 11 pm and get up at 6am no later than 7am. I want to more water during the day. Currently my water intake is 1 or 2 glasses a week. I want to increase that to 1 or 2 glasses a day. I also want to work on moving everyday and getting some exercise in. Maybe playing the wii with the kids. We have wii active, wii fit and wii sports among other games but these would provide the most movement.
My personal education goals are to read Wicca for beginners and work through the exercises in the depression workbook.
Many other goals are in my mind but I probably have more than than enough to work on with what I have listed so far. So my mantra I CAN do this and I LOVE myself enough to do this for me.
recap of goals
1. declutter house 30 minutes a day while keeping up on cleaning.
2. Lose 2 lbs this week.
3. Drink 2 glasses of water each day.
4. Begin to move! exercise, play wii, go for a walk
5. Read Wicca for beginners
6. Work through depression workbook
7. BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!!!!
Steps I have taken to try and stand back up after falling once again... I reworked my control journal and going to jump back into the fly lady system and combine her program with my de-clutter book and find my house amongst all the stuff that I really don't need. So my house cleaning goal is to keep up on the daily cleaning while de-cluttering at least 30 minutes a day. This week is Zone 2, the Kitchen and Laundry room so I will be de-cluttering the those rooms this week.
I started back into Sparkpeople as well. I weighed myself yesterday and logged my weight. I actually lost 11 pounds so far. :) that made my day. My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week. so next Sunday I will weigh 237. My personal health goals are Go to bed no later than 11 pm and get up at 6am no later than 7am. I want to more water during the day. Currently my water intake is 1 or 2 glasses a week. I want to increase that to 1 or 2 glasses a day. I also want to work on moving everyday and getting some exercise in. Maybe playing the wii with the kids. We have wii active, wii fit and wii sports among other games but these would provide the most movement.
My personal education goals are to read Wicca for beginners and work through the exercises in the depression workbook.
Many other goals are in my mind but I probably have more than than enough to work on with what I have listed so far. So my mantra I CAN do this and I LOVE myself enough to do this for me.
recap of goals
1. declutter house 30 minutes a day while keeping up on cleaning.
2. Lose 2 lbs this week.
3. Drink 2 glasses of water each day.
4. Begin to move! exercise, play wii, go for a walk
5. Read Wicca for beginners
6. Work through depression workbook
7. BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!!!!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight
Fall down seven times, Stand up eight has become my mantra of proverbs lately. It seems I continually set up goals only to see them go to the wayside under the everyday pressures of life and thus life continues to bounce me about with do clear direction.
So.. I here we go once again. I started a blog over at word press to journal my spiritual discovery and learning path.
Let's re-look at the goals I set for May and see where I stand
Goal 1. stay in touch with friends...... fail I sent out 1 email.
**** This week I will send out an email to at least 2 friends, check in on facebook, and check in on my pagan learning groups.
Goals 2-4. Fail... didn't really get any of my reading done. Instead I crawled inside the television and escaped the real world into the world of Numb3rs on netflix. Netflix has all 118 episodes. YaY!! I love this show. And yes watching 1 show here and there throughout the week would be okay but no I left the world and watched 4 and 5 shows a day.
**** This week I will focus on Wicca for Beginners and work on the first chapter in the depression workbook. I will make a goal to have this reading done before watching television or playing a video game.
Goal 5. Success... I was able to keep my house clean and my laundry caught up throughout the week. I didn't lose progress until Friday night and plan on getting caught back up first thing tomorrow morning. I know I can do this. I even started to de-clutter the house and took out at least 3 bags of clothes, unused items, and knickknacks that we just don't need. I donated to our local Goodwill.
6. Fail ... I think the earliest I went to bed last week was 2 am, staying up till 3 or 4 am most nights. Making getting up in the morning at 6am very very difficult. In fact most mornings unless DH had to be at work in the am I didn't crawl out of bed till 11am.
*****This week I will set my alarm and get up regardless of how tired I am in hopes of forcing me into bed at an earlier hour. My thought is if I am tired I will go to bed. Most often I stay up because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling so instead of staring at all the many crevices on the ceiling I stay up and watch Numb3rs or play Dragon Age.
7. Fail... Sigh.. .I tried, I really tried but I opened my eyes and it seemed all the pressures of life closed in. DH was yelling at kids for one reason or another and my thoughts spiraled down hill from there at a rapid pace.
*****I will get up with the DH and kids and be there to help out before the yelling starts. I will smile and tell myself that it will be a great day as I get out of bed.
8. Success.... I haven't posted on the coven in a while but I have checked in and read a few posts. This week I will post as well as read.
9. Success.... I love watching Numb3rs. I felt relaxed and enjoyed watching it. I also taught myself the basic knit stitch and make a coaster for my cups while I sit on the couch watching Numb3rs. It was a great sense of accomplishment learning to knit and doing my first project. Yes it was a small project but I took yarn and turned it into something usable. Go Me!!
10. Fail... Dragged myself out of bed, rinsed off in the shower and dragged myself upstairs to face the day... Not exactly how I want to start my day. I want to start the day smiling and feeling good.
I will keep working on this.
As I sat back took look over my post and realized my desk area is horrible. It is very cluttered and overrun with papers everywhere. It seems when my feel lost and chaotic on the inside the environment around me is chaotic. I wonder if their is some deeper reasoning or connection to this being so. Hmmm something to ponder. But in the meantime... tomorrow I must clean up my desk and make it neat again. :)
I feel better once again. Working on this post has given me a renewed since of accomplishment. I will have a better week and have a better success rate at reaching my goals.
So.. I here we go once again. I started a blog over at word press to journal my spiritual discovery and learning path.
Let's re-look at the goals I set for May and see where I stand
Goal 1. stay in touch with friends...... fail I sent out 1 email.
**** This week I will send out an email to at least 2 friends, check in on facebook, and check in on my pagan learning groups.
Goals 2-4. Fail... didn't really get any of my reading done. Instead I crawled inside the television and escaped the real world into the world of Numb3rs on netflix. Netflix has all 118 episodes. YaY!! I love this show. And yes watching 1 show here and there throughout the week would be okay but no I left the world and watched 4 and 5 shows a day.
**** This week I will focus on Wicca for Beginners and work on the first chapter in the depression workbook. I will make a goal to have this reading done before watching television or playing a video game.
Goal 5. Success... I was able to keep my house clean and my laundry caught up throughout the week. I didn't lose progress until Friday night and plan on getting caught back up first thing tomorrow morning. I know I can do this. I even started to de-clutter the house and took out at least 3 bags of clothes, unused items, and knickknacks that we just don't need. I donated to our local Goodwill.
6. Fail ... I think the earliest I went to bed last week was 2 am, staying up till 3 or 4 am most nights. Making getting up in the morning at 6am very very difficult. In fact most mornings unless DH had to be at work in the am I didn't crawl out of bed till 11am.
*****This week I will set my alarm and get up regardless of how tired I am in hopes of forcing me into bed at an earlier hour. My thought is if I am tired I will go to bed. Most often I stay up because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling so instead of staring at all the many crevices on the ceiling I stay up and watch Numb3rs or play Dragon Age.
7. Fail... Sigh.. .I tried, I really tried but I opened my eyes and it seemed all the pressures of life closed in. DH was yelling at kids for one reason or another and my thoughts spiraled down hill from there at a rapid pace.
*****I will get up with the DH and kids and be there to help out before the yelling starts. I will smile and tell myself that it will be a great day as I get out of bed.
8. Success.... I haven't posted on the coven in a while but I have checked in and read a few posts. This week I will post as well as read.
9. Success.... I love watching Numb3rs. I felt relaxed and enjoyed watching it. I also taught myself the basic knit stitch and make a coaster for my cups while I sit on the couch watching Numb3rs. It was a great sense of accomplishment learning to knit and doing my first project. Yes it was a small project but I took yarn and turned it into something usable. Go Me!!
10. Fail... Dragged myself out of bed, rinsed off in the shower and dragged myself upstairs to face the day... Not exactly how I want to start my day. I want to start the day smiling and feeling good.
I will keep working on this.
As I sat back took look over my post and realized my desk area is horrible. It is very cluttered and overrun with papers everywhere. It seems when my feel lost and chaotic on the inside the environment around me is chaotic. I wonder if their is some deeper reasoning or connection to this being so. Hmmm something to ponder. But in the meantime... tomorrow I must clean up my desk and make it neat again. :)
I feel better once again. Working on this post has given me a renewed since of accomplishment. I will have a better week and have a better success rate at reaching my goals.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
May Goals
I took the burns checklist for depression today. Ouch, I scored a 74/100 which put me in the severe depression cateogory. Very close to extreme depression. I really need to turn this around and I know that only I can do this. It is up to me to change my thought patterns. So....
Here are some Goals for May!!!
1. Stay in contact with 1 to 2 friends by calling, emailing, or writing at least once a week.
2. Read at least 3 pages a day from Wicca for Beginners and do the excercises as outlined by the coven for the chapters.
3. Reread Feeling Good by David Burns. At least 2 to 3 pages a day!
4. Do at least one execercise out of the Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression each week.
5. Keep my house clean by following the flylady system.
6. Go to bed every night by 11pm and get up every morning by 6 am.
7. Start the day with a positive thought before I even get out of bed.
8. Check in on the coven site at least 1 time this month
9. Do something for myself that makes me feel happy, relaxed and good about myself at least once a day.
10. Get out of bed every day with a smile, take a shower, get dressed and know that the day will go well.
Okay.. have some goals set. My DH is letting me use his computer until we can get my computer fixed. I really feel lost without my computer.
My DD is going to take the car to tech and hopefully fix the driver's side window so that it will go back up. I really hope so as it has rained consistently since it broke. I really am tired of getting wet and cold every time I have to drive the car.
Here are some Goals for May!!!
1. Stay in contact with 1 to 2 friends by calling, emailing, or writing at least once a week.
2. Read at least 3 pages a day from Wicca for Beginners and do the excercises as outlined by the coven for the chapters.
3. Reread Feeling Good by David Burns. At least 2 to 3 pages a day!
4. Do at least one execercise out of the Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression each week.
5. Keep my house clean by following the flylady system.
6. Go to bed every night by 11pm and get up every morning by 6 am.
7. Start the day with a positive thought before I even get out of bed.
8. Check in on the coven site at least 1 time this month
9. Do something for myself that makes me feel happy, relaxed and good about myself at least once a day.
10. Get out of bed every day with a smile, take a shower, get dressed and know that the day will go well.
Okay.. have some goals set. My DH is letting me use his computer until we can get my computer fixed. I really feel lost without my computer.
My DD is going to take the car to tech and hopefully fix the driver's side window so that it will go back up. I really hope so as it has rained consistently since it broke. I really am tired of getting wet and cold every time I have to drive the car.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Depression is like quicksand
Still seem to be stuck in the quicksand of depression, fear and anxiety. Sometimes it is all I can do to get out of bed and smile. Today seems to be one of those days. I know in my mind I really need to turn this around. So what am I going to do to help myself.
Know that you can do anything you set your mind to. So if you set you mind to being moody you will be moody.I need to set my mind to being happy. Feel happy even if my heart is not in it. Smile even if it is fake. For all practical purposes make everyone around me believe I am happy and having a good day regardless of what I feel inside. And before I know it I should start to feel better.
My mantra today: I am happy.
Know that you can do anything you set your mind to. So if you set you mind to being moody you will be moody.I need to set my mind to being happy. Feel happy even if my heart is not in it. Smile even if it is fake. For all practical purposes make everyone around me believe I am happy and having a good day regardless of what I feel inside. And before I know it I should start to feel better.
My mantra today: I am happy.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Trying to find my path
Ever feel like your life is going nowhere? Your stuck in a rut and everything seems so meaningless and out of control. I certainly feel that way right now and have felt this way for awhile now. It is like I am in this dense fog and can't find which way is forward or even up. It seems like fear and anxiety has me rooted in quick sand and I can't seem to move forward in life.
Today I hope to pull myself out of the quick sand and back to solid ground.
Today I hope to pull myself out of the quick sand and back to solid ground.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)