Regroup time

Times like this I remember the Japanese Proverb Fall down seven times Stand up eight.
Well I feel off the cliff into the ocean of  depression and dispair once again... I need to work on coming back out of the darkness and into the light. Sometimes the darkness is so strong and deep that I am not sure I will ever find the light, but I know I need to. I know I have to find a way to keep going if not for myself than for my family. But that is the thing... I really need to find a reason to keep going for me, something inside of me. I need to find some inner peace within myself or I will never find it without myself. Time for some soul searching... Time for some introspection and figuring out who I am, where I want to be, and what brings me happiness.
This time when I stand back up, I need to do it for reasons within myself.

I am grateful for.....

I thought today I would start a grateful journal and incorporate into this journal. My goal is to write at least 3 things I am grateful for that day.

Today I am grateful for
1. A vehicle to get us around town
2. My children even at their worst they give me a reason to keep going.
3. A washer and dryer so I can do laundry while doing other house work.

Mid July Redirecting myself

Haven't been very successful with hitting any of my goals. If I am to be honest with myself, I think I have developed an apathy towards life with my depression. I just can't seem to really care or see where I make a diffrence anymore. I figure the first step is to change this thought process as it is not productive to me or my family.
So I have to ask myself... What do I need to do to feel good about myself right now? Well I am currently considered a stay at home mom and house wife. So what does this title mean? I should be keeping the house clean, the laundry caught up, the bills managed, making and sticking to a budget, taking care of the kids, getting family where they need to be and picked up and healthy meals provided at meal time. Am I doing this? Not really... no wonder I feel so fricken useless I have no direction, no purpose is being fulfilled. I am just breathing and taking up space. This needs to change. So the rest of July my primary focus will be to bring the house back to order and get it cleaned up. Today generally cleaning and then deeper cleaning from there.
I think having a clean environment will also help me to just feel better overall and take some pride in myself that I have a clean home.

Changes are a happening

Wow June as brought a whole lot of changes and emotions with it. I hope July is more stable. My oldest graduated high school and moved out. This in and of itself has been very emotional for me. My significant other has steady lost hours at work due to company wide hours cuts. This has hurt the budget and my ability to keep a positive outllook. I am still trying though. I keep believeing it will work out somehow. I have to believe this.. We are switching bedrooms around and splitting up my two youngest into their own bedroom. This has been and still is a major undertaking. I can't wait till it is all done. I am also taking this opportunity to declutter and get rid of things the boys no longer need or play with. It is prolonging the process somewhat but is needed as they have way too much stuff. I haven't made much progress with most of my June goals but with everything happening I am just trying to focus on one breath at a time as things seem to be whirling very fast around me. I feel like I am on a spinning ride that has gone out of control and is going to throw me off if I don't hold on very very tightly.

June Goals

Another Month has come and gone. I took the Burns Depression Checklist today and sitting at about 78/100 in the extreme depression range. A big part of me is just tired. Tired of being here, tired of trying, struggling, hurting, and breathing. But then there is this little voice that keeps screaming out to keep fighting and find a way back up the mountain to the top. May was a disaster for goals. I ended up not really getting anywhere near what I wanted to accomplish. I just lost the motivation to keep trying. I also feel so darned exhausted and tired. I did keep up on my work until my nephew got hurt which gave me a sense of accomplishment. I enjoy my work a lot and am looking forward to jumping back into work tomorrow.
Steps I have taken to try and stand back up after falling once again... I reworked my control journal and going to jump back into the fly lady system and combine her program with my de-clutter book and find my house amongst all the stuff that I really don't need. So my house cleaning goal is to keep up on the daily cleaning while de-cluttering at least 30 minutes a day. This week is Zone 2, the Kitchen and Laundry room so I will be de-cluttering the those rooms this week.
I started back into Sparkpeople as well. I weighed myself yesterday and logged my weight. I actually lost 11 pounds so far. :) that made my day. My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week. so next Sunday I will weigh 237. My personal health goals are Go to bed no later than 11 pm and get up at 6am no later than 7am. I want to more water during the day. Currently my water intake is 1 or 2 glasses a week. I want to increase that to 1 or 2 glasses a day. I also want to work on moving everyday and getting some exercise in. Maybe playing the wii with the kids. We have wii active, wii fit and wii sports among other games but these would provide the most movement.
My personal education goals are to read Wicca for beginners and work through the exercises in the depression workbook.
Many other goals are in my mind but I probably have more than than enough to work on with what I have listed so far. So my mantra I CAN do this and I LOVE myself enough to do this for me.
recap of goals
1. declutter house 30 minutes a day while keeping up on cleaning.
2. Lose 2 lbs this week.
3. Drink 2 glasses of water each day.
4. Begin to move! exercise, play wii, go for a walk
5. Read Wicca for beginners
6. Work through depression workbook
7. BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!!!!

Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight

Fall down seven times, Stand up eight has become my mantra of proverbs lately. It seems I continually set up goals only to see them go to the wayside under the everyday pressures of life and thus life continues to bounce me about with do clear direction.
So.. I here we go once again. I started a blog over at word press to journal my spiritual discovery and learning path.
Let's re-look at the goals I set for May and see where I stand
Goal 1. stay in touch with friends...... fail I sent out 1 email.

      ****   This week I will send out an email to at least 2 friends, check in on facebook, and check in on my pagan learning groups.

Goals 2-4. Fail... didn't really get any of my reading done. Instead I crawled inside the television and escaped the real world into the world of Numb3rs on netflix. Netflix has all 118 episodes. YaY!! I love this show. And yes watching 1 show here and there throughout the week would be okay but no I left the world and watched 4 and 5 shows a day.
     
    **** This week I will focus on Wicca for Beginners and work on the first chapter in the depression workbook. I will make a goal to have this reading done before watching television or playing a video game.
          
Goal 5. Success... I was able to keep my house clean and my laundry caught up throughout the week. I didn't lose progress until Friday night and plan on getting caught back up first thing tomorrow morning. I know I can do this. I even started to de-clutter the house and took out at least 3 bags of clothes, unused items, and knickknacks that we just don't need. I donated to our local Goodwill.

6. Fail ... I think the earliest I went to bed last week was 2 am, staying up till 3 or 4 am most nights. Making getting up in the morning at 6am very very difficult. In fact most mornings unless DH had to be at work in the am I didn't crawl out of bed till 11am.

   *****This week I will set my alarm and get up regardless of how tired I am in hopes of forcing me into bed at an earlier hour. My thought is if I am tired I will go to bed. Most often I stay up because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling so instead of staring at all the many crevices on the ceiling I stay up and watch Numb3rs or play Dragon Age.

7. Fail... Sigh.. .I tried, I really tried but I opened my eyes and it seemed all the pressures of life closed in. DH was yelling at kids for one reason or another and my thoughts spiraled down hill from there at a rapid pace.

 *****I will get up with the DH and kids and be there to help out before the yelling starts. I will smile and tell myself that it will be a great day as I get out of bed.

8. Success.... I haven't posted on the coven in a while but I have checked in and read a few posts. This week I will post as well as read.

9. Success.... I love watching Numb3rs. I felt relaxed and enjoyed watching it. I also taught myself the basic knit stitch and make a coaster for my cups while I sit on the couch watching Numb3rs. It was a great sense of accomplishment learning to knit and doing my first project. Yes it was a small project but I took yarn and turned it into something usable. Go Me!!

10. Fail...  Dragged myself out of bed, rinsed off in the shower and dragged myself upstairs to face the day... Not exactly how I want to start my day. I want to start the day smiling and feeling good.
I will keep working on this.

As I sat back took look over my post and realized my desk area is horrible. It is very cluttered and overrun with papers everywhere. It seems when my feel lost and chaotic on the inside the environment around me is chaotic. I wonder if their is some deeper reasoning or connection to this being so. Hmmm something to ponder. But in the meantime... tomorrow I must clean up my desk and make it neat again. :)

I feel better once again. Working on this post has given me a renewed since of accomplishment. I will have a better week and have a better success rate at reaching my goals.

May Goals

I took the burns checklist for depression today. Ouch, I scored a 74/100 which put me in the severe depression cateogory. Very close to extreme depression. I really need to turn this around and I know that only I can do this. It is up to me to change my thought patterns. So....
Here are some Goals for May!!!
1. Stay in contact with 1 to 2 friends by calling, emailing, or writing at least once a week.
2. Read at least 3 pages a day from Wicca for Beginners and do the excercises as outlined by the coven for the chapters.
3. Reread Feeling Good by David Burns. At least 2 to 3 pages a day!
4. Do at least one execercise out of the Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression each week.
5. Keep my house clean by following the flylady system.
6. Go to bed every night by 11pm and get up every morning by 6 am.
7. Start the day with a positive thought before I even get out of bed.
8. Check in on the coven site at least 1 time this month
9. Do something for myself that makes me feel happy, relaxed and good about myself at least once a day.
10. Get out of bed every day with a smile, take a shower, get dressed and know that the day will go well.

Okay.. have some goals set. My DH is letting me use his computer until we can get my computer fixed. I really feel lost without my computer.
My DD is going to take the car to tech and hopefully fix the driver's side window so that it will go back up. I really hope so as it has rained consistently since it broke. I really am tired of getting wet and cold every time I have to drive the car.

Depression is like quicksand

Still seem to be stuck in the quicksand of depression, fear and anxiety. Sometimes it is all I can do to get out of bed and smile. Today seems to be one of those days. I know in my mind I really need to turn this around. So what am I going to do to help myself.
Know that you can do anything you set your mind to. So if you set you mind to being moody you will be moody.I need to set my mind to being happy. Feel happy even if my heart is not in it. Smile even if it is fake. For all practical purposes make everyone around me believe I am happy and having a good day regardless of what I feel inside. And before I know it I should start to feel better.
My mantra today: I am happy.

Trying to find my path

Ever feel like your life is going nowhere? Your stuck in a rut and everything seems so meaningless and out of control. I certainly feel that way right now and have felt this way for awhile now. It is like I am in this dense fog and can't find which way is forward or even up. It seems like fear and anxiety has me rooted in quick sand and I can't seem to move forward in life.
Today I hope to pull myself out of the quick sand and back to solid ground.

Goals

So I was roaming around Sparkpeople.com today getting things set up and reaffirming my goal to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle. One of the Goals I can set up is called Develop Goal Setting Skills. Among the mini goals within this major goal is keeping a Goal Journal. Now this far into my education of this skill I am assuming that means a place to write down your goals and hold yourself accountable. So I figure why not here. This blog is about positive thinking and changing my life. Setting Goals is all part of that. I am will also repost the weight and health related goals in my diet and fitness journal.
There are so many areas in my life that really need work on. First I really want to feel better about myself in the short term. My self esteem is not at its best right now. I cut my hair short the other day just so I see something different in the mirror. And now I am noticing all the gray hair. So tonight I bought some hair dye. I know I know there are those of you thinking this is all superficial but I really do think it will help me feel younger and better about myself as I look in the mirror. I am also making a goal to clear up my acne and start wearing a little bit of makeup. So to try and write this in a goal format .....
Goal 1: Improve the way I look and feel about myself.
   a. I will dye my hair to cover up all the grey hair.
   b. I will use skin cleanser and clear up my acne.
   c. I will use a little bit of make up to feel pretty.
   d. I will take care of how I look and get dressed everyday.
   e. I will wear clothes that fit me, instead of looking frumpy all the time.
I will work on the above items and do this everyday for a month.

Okay first goal written. I think I have forgotten some elements of goal writing in here, but I will refresh my memory of this skill and learn more as I go.

Burns Depression Checklist score is 69

As part of my work towards positive thinking and turning my life around, I am working on learning how to change my thought processes when it comes to my depression. I am currently reading Dr Burns' book Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy to help me change the thought processes that keep me in my depression. One of the exercises he has you do early on in the book is a checklist to help you become aware of how depressed you are feeling. I found this checklist online and use it as a tool to keep myself aware week to week how I am doing.
When I started taking this test and reading this book my score was 98, I have come a long way.
My Burns Depression Score for Oct 25, based on my feelings for this past week is 69, severe depression.
I have decided to blog my score each week and how things are going for me as I work through the book, not only for myself as an outlet, in a journaling therapy kind of way but also to help encourage anyone else suffering from depression to not just give in to the crippling emotions and know that you can change the way you think and thus the way you feel.

Update

Wow a lot of time has gone by since I last wrote anything here. I really need to try and post on my blogs more often. Especially since this one is supposed to be part of my therapy. Not much new happening in my life right now. I am trying like heck to keep positive. I recently finished a book called The Miracles of Archangel Michael by Doreen Virtue. I have to say this was an excellent book. I found it to be very uplifting and informative of all the ways that Archangel Michael can help you. I find that I have been calling upon angelic help a lot more since reading this book. She also describes a couple of exercises you can do to help cut away or vacuum out  fear, negativity and phobias from your life. The part of the book that I think most interests me at this stage in my life is in the chapter on Help with Career and Life Purpose. I so need this help right now. I have even considered trying to locate a life coach, as I feel my life is a bit of a mess right now and I am trying to find direction and purpose. Right now I feel like a small boat being buffeted about on the waves of life.

At one of lifes many turns in the road.....

I have come to another turn in the road of life. I am out of work, not sure how things are going to pan out for me in the future. I have no vehicle, so job searching is done by foot to the very few business in our little town. I have to admit at first it was hard to handle. Tears, rock in the pit of the stomach, the whole anxiety OMG feeling. After a good nights sleep, time to think, and pull myself together, I am ready for my life to change. What will those changes bring? Of this I am not sure, but life is full of the unknown. I recently learned a mantra in my Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression, ACT, which has helped me tremendously during this time. ACT stands for Accept... Choose.... Take Action. I have accepted the changes in my life and the fact i am now unemployed. I have made the choice to put extra effort into our web based store and internet activities as well as check around at the local daycare and see if anyone is hiring. And then on Monday, I will Take action by polishing up my resume, making some phone calls, and applying for some jobs. I will also be calling the landlord, welfare, and CCIS.. who knows maybe ccis will have more kids for me to childcare for.

Life is always going to throw curve balls your way. How you handle those curve balls or turns in the road will make a big difference as to what the outcome will be. My best advice to anyone out there who is struggling, out of work, or facing what seems to be an impossible situation is to keep your head up, stay positive and use ACT.

Anyone struggling with depression, I highly recommend The Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression by Strosahl  & Robinson. It is a very helpful and practical book to help you with your depression. I am still working through it, but have found it a big help. I will be writing a full review of it when I am finished working through it for the first time.

Search Amazon.com for  the mindfulness & acceptance workbook for depresion

New Year

Nearing the end of January of 2010, I attended an Esbat tonight. It was a very powerful and thought provoking. As a result, I am looking into a lot of different areas of my life. 2010 will be a year of change for me. A year for the cocoon to break open and let the beautiful person come free of all that holds her back. I will be posting things of gratitude, positive thinking, meditation and stress release tips, ways to improve your thinking and your life. 2010 here I come.....

Some good tips from Ben Stein

10 Thoughts on How to Not to Go Crazy

1. Here’s a good way to wake up: in gratitude for just being alive.
2. Much of life is a gray area. Get used to it.
3. Not every day will be a great day. An ordinary day is good enough.
4. Harboring resentment against someone is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die.
5. A good relationship with God is like air-condition for the soul. It cools down the craziness.
6. Sometimes the only thing you get out of doing the right thing is . . . doing the right thing.
7. If you’re bored, it’s probably because you’re boring.
8. When in doubt about how to get there, ask those who are there.
9. If you really want to change your mood, do a random act of kindness and tell no one.
10. Love is a verb, not a noun.

Excerpted from The Eyes of Faith by Ben Stein. Copyright © 2009 (Hay House).

Sometimes life just is and there is nothing we can do

Sometimes events in life happen that are completely out of our control and yet effect us in a profound way. So how do you get through these times? Well I have found that friends, family and faith go along way in helping one through these times.

Simpleology.com

I have recently reached day 20 on a course called Simpleology 101. It is a free course and takes you through steps to help improve your life and reach your goals in life. Even though I have stopped and started several times over the last couple months, I have found the course very helpful and look forward to the next 20 days in the course. I strongly recommend anyone looking to improve their ability to get things accomplished, to check it out. And while on the note of check out simpleology.com, they are offering me a chance to take a free course on blogging. All I have to do is paste this code in here for you folks that read my blog. So here it is.....

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

• The best blogging techniques.
• How to get traffic to your blog.
• How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

So check it out if it is something you are interested in... sign up for free.

Life Has Its Up and Its Downs

It seems that no matter how hard one tries to be positive there are days that it is just hard. Life is full of ups and downs and I guess it is what we do about the down times that make the difference. We can try to be grateful for what we do have and look for the lesson life is trying to teach us or we can throw our hands up in surrender and let the darker feelings take over.

Life for me has taken a turn for the downside of things, I am having financial trouble, relationship trouble, and of course the ever present trouble that a parent has when they have headstrong teenagers who think they know it all.

I admit I initially threw my hands up in the air and let the depression and anger take over but I realize that it is solving nothing. I only feel worse and worse everyday. So.... the first step is to pick yourself up and decide to face the problems head on. I need a budget and we need to find Dennis a job. Dennis and I have started to work on our problems by communicating. It is amazing how much can be solved just by honestly talking with one another. I mean talking not yelling or the I am right you are wrong routine but down to earth two way communication. And as for the teenagers well... if anyone has any suggestions I am listening.

Your frame of mind has a lot to do with how you handle these situations as well. You have to fall back on the positive thinking. You have to believe that it will get better and then find those solutions. Take action, life is not going to fix itself without action on your part. You have to be willing to get out there and find your solutions. If you fail, don't give up just keep trying things till it works for you. So in conclusion, when life takes a down turn look at what you do have, keep communication lines open and take action and troubleshoot the problem to find your solutions that will work in your life.

Hope, Faith, Gratitude and Positive thinking

Life's road has thrown some curves and turns my way this last month. I have hit a low point at the bottom of a hill a few times but now I am climbing back up that next hill toward the rainbow of hope. I have faith and know that all will work out in life. I am working on the things that I can control while maintaining a positive attitude and faith that all will work out for the best. I do believe that the universe will provide for what my family and I need. Last week I did not know where I would get money for diapers and mom sent me twenty dollars for Rowan's birthday with permission to use it as needed. I was not sure how I was going to buy Aurora and Michael school clothes and a child support check came through today. Now I have faith that Dennis will find a job so that we can pay the bills. The universe will provide a way for me to pay our ever mounting bills.
On the road of life, there are turns, hills, and hairpin curves but if we keep our destination in mind and the hope and faith that you will get there, You will reach all that you desire.

Positive Thinking

This last week I have been focusing on positive thinking. Since I tend to be a pessimist and always look at the negative. The beginning of the week went great. The middle of the week was a challenge and by the end of the week..... well let's just say it is time to pick myself back up, dust the dirt off my pants and try again. Some observations that I did notice, when I was thinking positive things really were going great. The day went smoother and I seemed to have more energy. I got things done and was over all much happier. At the end of the week, when my positive thinking was at a low, I was constantly dropping things, I couldn't seem to get anything done, I felt tired and worn down, and Murphy's law was ever present. In conclusion, positive thinking does work and I strongly recommend to everyone that they try to remain positive in their lives. I know I am going to continue to try.