Regroup time

Times like this I remember the Japanese Proverb Fall down seven times Stand up eight.
Well I feel off the cliff into the ocean of  depression and dispair once again... I need to work on coming back out of the darkness and into the light. Sometimes the darkness is so strong and deep that I am not sure I will ever find the light, but I know I need to. I know I have to find a way to keep going if not for myself than for my family. But that is the thing... I really need to find a reason to keep going for me, something inside of me. I need to find some inner peace within myself or I will never find it without myself. Time for some soul searching... Time for some introspection and figuring out who I am, where I want to be, and what brings me happiness.
This time when I stand back up, I need to do it for reasons within myself.

I am grateful for.....

I thought today I would start a grateful journal and incorporate into this journal. My goal is to write at least 3 things I am grateful for that day.

Today I am grateful for
1. A vehicle to get us around town
2. My children even at their worst they give me a reason to keep going.
3. A washer and dryer so I can do laundry while doing other house work.

Mid July Redirecting myself

Haven't been very successful with hitting any of my goals. If I am to be honest with myself, I think I have developed an apathy towards life with my depression. I just can't seem to really care or see where I make a diffrence anymore. I figure the first step is to change this thought process as it is not productive to me or my family.
So I have to ask myself... What do I need to do to feel good about myself right now? Well I am currently considered a stay at home mom and house wife. So what does this title mean? I should be keeping the house clean, the laundry caught up, the bills managed, making and sticking to a budget, taking care of the kids, getting family where they need to be and picked up and healthy meals provided at meal time. Am I doing this? Not really... no wonder I feel so fricken useless I have no direction, no purpose is being fulfilled. I am just breathing and taking up space. This needs to change. So the rest of July my primary focus will be to bring the house back to order and get it cleaned up. Today generally cleaning and then deeper cleaning from there.
I think having a clean environment will also help me to just feel better overall and take some pride in myself that I have a clean home.

Changes are a happening

Wow June as brought a whole lot of changes and emotions with it. I hope July is more stable. My oldest graduated high school and moved out. This in and of itself has been very emotional for me. My significant other has steady lost hours at work due to company wide hours cuts. This has hurt the budget and my ability to keep a positive outllook. I am still trying though. I keep believeing it will work out somehow. I have to believe this.. We are switching bedrooms around and splitting up my two youngest into their own bedroom. This has been and still is a major undertaking. I can't wait till it is all done. I am also taking this opportunity to declutter and get rid of things the boys no longer need or play with. It is prolonging the process somewhat but is needed as they have way too much stuff. I haven't made much progress with most of my June goals but with everything happening I am just trying to focus on one breath at a time as things seem to be whirling very fast around me. I feel like I am on a spinning ride that has gone out of control and is going to throw me off if I don't hold on very very tightly.